To the baby who changed our lives

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Dear Romulus,

For years and years we daydreamed about what kind of parents we would be, knowing we would never have the chance. You see we had been told we could never have kids. We would tell our family and friends we were not interested in having children because it was easier than explaining why and dealing with the pain of accepting it over and over.

We moved to San Diego thinking we would be eternal DINK's (double income no kids) and that we would own a home on the beach one day where we would entertain and people watch. We couldn't figure out why San Diego didn't work for us. No matter how hard we tried to move forward with our plans something would come up or get in the way. On August 28th of 2018 I was feeling really bad. I was having terrible cramps and could not figure out why. A good friend, who knew we could not have kids, convinced me to take a pregnancy test.

A week prior we had a deep conversation where we both agreed it was actually best that we didn't have kids. With tears in his eyes your Daddy said: "if I were to get you pregnant and something were to happen to you or the baby I would never be able to forgive myself. The thought of living without you is worse than the thought of us never having a family". We both held onto each other and accepted that we should never worry about it again that we were better off enjoying the special relationship we had for the rest of our lives.

Hesitantly I went to the pharmacy and spent my last twenty dollars on a pack of pregnancy tests and sanitary pads. I felt like my monthly cycle was approaching and again did not believe I could be pregnant. On the way home from the pharmacy your Daddy and I let ourselves daydream again. You see we had taken over 20 pregnancy tests in the 10 years we had been together. I had irregular cycles so we were used to this cycle of getting our hopes up, seeing a negative result, saying "well we knew it couldn't happen", and pretending like it didn't hurt.

This time though we both allowed ourselves to believe it would be positive and even came up with a boy name and a girl name before we made it back to our apartment. I took the test, waited five minutes in no real rush because I knew it would say negative, and then when I saw the + sign I immediately called your Daddy in the bathroom. I didn't even know what to say. I became panic stricken and beyond excited in the same instant.

I couldn't believe it was real, the next day I took the second test. When it also said positive I felt so confused. I felt like a cruel trick was being played on me, that surely I would miscarry, and still never know the joys of motherhood. My anxiety truly got the best of me, I couldn't even go to work the next day because I was in so much shock (and still in pain from cramping). I called my healthcare provider who advised me to remain calm, start taking a really good prenatal, and scheduled my first appointment for the following week. The days between were so tough. I just knew that the result was wrong.

At our first appointment the nurse practitioner decided to do an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy. She warned me that it may be too early to see anything and that having PCOS could cause complications early on. During the ultrasound the nurse said "look, there it is". We saw a tiny pulsing white light on the screen. "That is your baby's heartbeat". Robert and I both broke into tears.

From that moment until around 18 weeks of pregnancy I was a complete mess. To the outside world I would wear a mask of excitement but internally I kept waiting for the next shoe to drop. I know the power of the mind so I began writing letters to you. I would write letters detailing how I was feeling, what was new in our lives, and how much I hoped you were alright in my stomach. Anything to stay positive and alleviate the feeling of impending doom.

At my 18 week ultrasound I laid on the table in fear, knowing they would find something wrong with you. I knew that if I were lucky enough to deliver surely there would be something wrong. The ultrasound tech kept reassuring me that everything looked normal. Then it became very real. Without warning she said "It's a boy". We did tell her we wanted to know the gender but thought we would have a moment to prepare ourselves. Your Daddy and I looked at each other and we both started crying. From that moment on when we spoke about you we referred to you as Romulus. I left that appointment feeling more confident and secure that maybe - just maybe we would get our chance to become parents.

This was almost the halfway point in our pregnancy but we still refused to spend any money on baby stuff. Sure we would browse the baby section at every store we went to, even the grocery stores, but we couldn't imagine how hard it would be to return items if something did happen... or worse to hold onto those items as relics of a dream.

When friends started talking about baby showers I shrugged it off. I wanted to push it off as far as possible. I didn't want anyone spending money on something that still may not happen. At this point I was feeling you kick and move. Even though I knew you were okay I couldn't believe I was this lucky.

Near the end of my pregnancy my doctor became concerned that I was developing signs of preeclampsia an induced me. [[Read my birth story here.]]

From the moment we met I knew I would love you forever. You became the most important thing in mine and your Daddy's life. We no longer cared that past plans hadn't worked out the way we had hoped because now we were making new plans with you in mind. You were the plot twist no one could see coming and since you entered the world our lives have completely changed.

We became amazed by each new thing you would do. We both wanted to be there for every single moment even when you were pooping because your facial expressions were so cute. :D This is the happiest we have ever been and it's all down to you. Any anxiety I felt quickly dissipated. Sure I have new anxieties now. For example in the beginning I would wake up three or four times during your short three hour naps to make sure you were breathing.

Now though, we look to the future and can see our future in your eyes. We don't know exactly what our future will hold and have released the need to plan it all out. We want to go with the flow and enjoy every little moment. Watching you learn and grow over the last four months has been mind-blowing. I was so scared that I would miss the newborn days where you were curled up on my chest tucked in my shirt but really as much as I loved those days I love each new day and seeing how your personality develops.

You are a dream come true. As cliche as it sounds you are everything we never knew we always wanted.

Thank you for being ours!
Love Mommy and Daddy




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